Me: OK, now, remember, the Sprout has to ride in the cart so you get to walk and help Mama with the groceries. You have to stay with Mama, OK? NO running away, right?
Hatchling: OK, Mama. I helpa get gwocewies.
Me: Right. You help.
Sprout: A-bah.
Me: OK, let’s see what we need for fruit … do you want some bananas? (She’s only been asking for them 10 times a day since we ran out.)
Hatchling: Ummmm … no fanks. Oh, WOOK! Tomayoes!
Me: (grabbing bananas, distracted) Uh-huh, that’s right – ok, put it back, Boo. Put it back on the pile.
The Hatchling puts the tomato back on the top of the heap, and it rolls down and falls on the floor.
Hatchling: Uh-oh.
Me: That’s ok … (surreptitiously places it back on the pile) … Now don’t touch anything, OK? Just look. No touch.
Hatchling: Wookit, Mama! Apple! (She holds out a pomegranate.)
Me: No, that’s a … never mind. Put it back. No touching, right? Just LOOK.
Sprout: MAH!
Hatchling: OK, Mama. I get-a bwoccoli. I be riiiiight back.
Me: Honey, don’t – you really want broccoli, huh? Well, I guess that’s a good thing to want. OK. Look, don’t touch all of the – just bring me that one. THAT ONE. (The Hatchling walks towards me with a clump of dripping wet broccoli.) Good, good job. Here, I’ll take it.
Hatchling: NO! I PUTTA INDA CART!!
Me: Honey, we have to put a bag on it first.
Hatchling: INDA CART!!!!!!
Me: Yes, we’ll PUT it in the cart, but FIRST we have to put a bag on it. See? It’s all wet.
Hatchling: All wet!
Me: Thank you. OK, now we need to go down this way for some cereal …
Hatchling: I WUV ceweal!
Me: I know you –
Hatchling: Oh, WOOK! BAWOONS!
Me: Boo, stay here! We’ll look at the balloons later! Honey … (grabs cereal, parks cart and Sprout in corner) Come on, Boo. You have to stay with me, remember? (Hatchling darts through flag display, I knock it over trying to reach her) Ack! (grabs Hatchling with one hand, picks up flags with the other) Now come on. We’ll look at the balloons when we’re all done. Let’s find the milk, OK?
Hatchling: What’s dat?
Me: That’s crackers.
Hatchling: Get some?
Me: Uh, yeah, I guess we do need some crackers.
Hatchling: What’s dat?
Me: That’s gouda. It’s a kind of cheese.
Hatchling: I WUV-A CHEESE! Get some?
Me: No, you don’t like that kind. Come on, here’s the milk. (grabs milk, tries to head back to registers)
Hatchling: What’s dat?
Me: Those are lightbulbs, honey. Come on, it’s time to go pay for our stuff.
Hatchling: What’s dat? What’s dat WIGHT DERE, Mama?
Me: (increasingly beleagured) I don’t … those are cookies, honey.
Hatchling: COOOOOKIES. (She says this exactly like Cookie Monster) Getta some coooooookies, Mama? Get some wight DERE? I WUV-A coooooookies.
Sprout: Ga gooo. Ggggoo.
Me: Fine. (grabs cookies, dumps in cart) Now let’s GO. Come on! (enticingly) Let’s go look at the balloons!!
Hatchling: (brightly) OK! (runs off in the direction of the balloons)
Bag Boy: Wow, she’s a real cutie. How old?
Me: (smiling, fatally turning attention away from the Hatchling) She’s three, and the little one is two months. (notices Hatchling completely entangled in various balloon strings) Honey … argh … (leaves cart and Sprout at register) come here, let’s get you untangled …
Hatchling: I stuck, Mama.
Me: No kidding. OK, now let’s go get our groc-
Hatchling: I NEEDA BAWOON!! MY BAWOON, MAMA!! (Grabs four graduation themed balloons tightly in fist.)
Me: Christ. Look, how about we get this one? Just ONE, ok? And put the rest back.
Hatchling: (brightly) OK! (Marches back to cart with her rainbow happy birthday balloon in hand.)
Grocery Clerk: (smirking) One balloon, then?
Me: (sheepishly) Yeah. Thanks.
Hatchling: OK, Mama! Time to go to car. Say bye-bye!
Sprout: geh-GA.
**********************
Final Score: Hatchling = Eleventy Billion, Me = Zero. Once the Sprout can play I am truly doomed.
